The movie opens with our heroine
in a car. She’s smart, smart enough to be the career woman
without time for a man. So this career woman needs a change.
Does it matter? Ok, she’s a buyer. No, I don’t know what
a buyer is. Ok, she’s a stock broker. Everything has been
done before. Ok, she operates a division of a Fortune 500
company and we can have wacky scenes with strange co-workers,
including the fat guy with the donut craving. Yes, fat guy
with donut. No, we are not going to have a funny heroin addict.
This is a romantic comedy. Yes, I know that you were funnier
when you were stoned. Yes, Ralph over at FOX is funny and
he’s a junkie. Thank you. No, we aren’t making her into a
junkie. No, we aren’t showing her co-workers shooting up.
She’s got to play off of these people. She can’t play off
a guy staring at his own shoe looking like he borrowed his
skin.
So the woman—what’s her name?
Who cares? How should I know—Kelly. Her name is Kelly. I—what
do you suggest. Jeanine. Ok, Jeanine. Now Jeanine takes a—of
course, why not Esperanta? We got some hot Hispanic actresses.
Sure they DO romantic comedy. Why wouldn’t they do romantic
comedy? No, we don’t have anyone named Burrito. Take care
of that cough. Thank you. Now Esperanta—yes, Esperanta—because
Hildgaard is a stupid name. Hildegaard? You want to make
a romantic comedy where the main character is Hildegaard?
Esperanta. Esperanta. No. What did you have in mind? If we
get her then we can change the name. Not before. Working
name. Working title.
Esperanta. No sir, it’s not
a drink. I’m not going to have a main character named Hildegaard
and that’s—Esmerelda. Like Don Quixote? You’ve read Don Quixote?
#
This woman is sitting in the
airport and a man starts talking to her. His wife is in a
coma. That should give us something for the break up scene
in act 3. But he’s talking to her and…horses! Let’s let him
talk about horses.
He’s really into horses—they’re
a metaphor for his entire life. Horses are the pinnacle of
creation. He’s an insurance agent. He wanted to be a rancher.
I don’t know what ranchers do. Something with cattle? So
the rancher is going to Paris because he needs to get away
from his wife. The kids are at home with a nanny. The wife
is in the coma. Maybe the wife is dead? No? You like the
coma? Right. He leaves them with a sitter. I don’t know what
kind of sitter—maybe a nanny or an au pair, but not
a British one.
Ok, he’s abandoned his children.
They don’t know that he’s on a plane to Paris. I don’t think
that the audience is going to go for a guy who abandons his
children. She’s going to Paris on a business trip. What?
Are you kidding? That movie did great. No. I don’t believe
you. How bad? Maybe everything can be inside with stock footage.
Ok, fine. So they are both
going to Bismarck, South Dakota. Why not Fargo? It’s got
name recognition. Bismarck. And they are going to see the
Devil’s Tower? But…are you sure it’s in Washington? Mount
Rushmore? Why don’t we have them go to Sturgis. It can be
a romantic biker movie.
So, she’s going to Bismarck
on business and he’s going to get away. But what’s in Bismarck?
Paris is in Paris. Tourists love it. I don’t know. They sit
around in cafes sipping wine, getting laid and going to the
Eiffel Tower. No, I’ve never been there. I’ve never been
to Montreal, either.
So the woman and the man talk
at the airport terminal and they fuck in the airplane bathroom.
You wanted edgy, didn’t you? They’re bikers. You said they
were bikers. Ok, fine they aren’t bikers. The woman is a
division head and the guy is an insurance agent with a thing
for horses. They fuck in the bathroom because that’s what
everyone’s been wanting to do since flying began. Yes. Seventies
revival is very big. Xaviera Hollander was just advertising
her talk show on CBS.
Ok, they fuck in the bathroom
and the guy is saying that he loves her and she hates herself,
but she’s going for him. We don’t have to explain. Because
it’s a fucking movie not a Freudian paper. She wants him
because somewhere somehow someone wants you. Even if it’s
once in a decade, it happens. Someone finds you hot. Not
you, sir. No, I wasn’t implying. It was a general you. Not
General Yu, although I hear that he’s very nice. Royal you.
Like royal we, but you. Second person plural.
They meet and they fall for
each other because this crap happens. Not as often as we’d
like. People meet fuck buddies but they hardly ever meet
and fall in love which is probably why they get married so
they don’t have to keep looking. No, I’m not saying anything
about you. I know you aren’t married. I know. No, I don’t
think that you’re gay. What does it matter? No one’s been
gossiping about you. I’d wish you’d just…no, sorry. No, I’m
sorry.
Ok, they are in the bathroom.
Wait. No. They are on the ground and he gets her phone number.
He makes like he needs to call because he doesn’t know anyone
in Bismarck. She tells him that she doesn’t know anyone in
Bismarck, either. It’s one of those charming flirty deals
where they act all cute and shit. All cute and shit. It’s
one of those phrases the kids like. Won’t let it happen again.
They meet again, or he keeps
calling her; in a movie, stalking is cute. So he charms her
and they get together again. Then they have the montage.
If this was in Paris they’d walk around Paris laughing but
I’m sure there’s something in Bismarck. I hear it has nice
fir trees. I’m not being sarcastic. The montage ends with
her telling him that she’s married; he’s relieved and tells
her about the wife in the coma, but really she was lying
about being married because she didn’t think that she wanted
to see him again. She said she was married to let him down
gently, but when he says he’s married she gets mad. They
fight and she runs away.
And he’s calling her again,
trying to explain. Meanwhile the children are calling him
wondering when he’ll come home. So he goes to the airport,
after leaving one final message with her. He’s despondent.
Just as he’s bought his ticket home, he sees her running
to him and they embrace and he changes his flight to Paris
and they fuck in the bathroom again.
Yes, Paris. They don’t have
to see Paris. The movie can end with them in the airplane
bathroom. Because the airport bathroom is dirty. Airplane
bathrooms are cleaned after every flight? There was this
one non-stop Los Angeles to Chicago with a bathroom that
I KNOW didn’t get soiled before I got to it.
What about the kids? Forget
the kids. This is a love story. Children are accessories.
If the child actors are cute enough they can have scenes.
Maybe we can write something that says it’s all right. Mommy
comes out of the coma and doesn’t mind her husband running
off to Paris. Yes, Paris. We have stock footage, we can use
it. We have Parisian stock footage without marching Germans,
right? Are you sure?
